Don’t get too excited. It wasn’t THAT kind of party. It was a pity party and I held one for myself all day this past Saturday. I woke up in a funk and just couldn’t or wouldn’t kick it. Part of the reason I’m sure is that I began trying to wean myself off of oxycodone. The combination of oxy, valium, vitamins and calcium I’m supposed to take really messes with me. After I got off of my IV in the hospital, I was taking up to two oxycodone every three hours – which is crazy to me now. I only weigh 100 pounds. Those kinds of drugs make me text things like this:
… and also make me super nauseous. I have felt vomitous everyday since I had my surgery. Hard drugs also make me very emotional and more likely to cry. So now that the pain’s getting more manageable, I’m trying to reduce my meds. Saturday, instead of waking up and downing my usual oxy, I slurped two good ol’ Tylenol with my Cheerios.
It pretty much was all downhill from there. Before I even got out of bed I had this overwhelming feeling of sorryness. (I realize vomitous and sorryness aren’t actual words, but I like them and I’m going to use them in my blog.) Tears welled up in my eyes before 9 a.m. Poor Carly Flynn. What do I have to look forward to today? Nothing. Maybe I could go downstairs and sit on the couch. Wow! That would certainly be a change of scenery. Or if I’m feeling really crazy, I could like start to read one of those books I bought preparing for this surgery. No, that’s all too hard. I think I’ll sit here and cry. And cry I did for a few hours. I eventually did put in a movie. A horrible movie. Cube Zero. And by horrible I mean horribly awesome. (Although still not enough to cheer me up.)
I watched some of Cube Zero in my bed and then fell asleep – for three or four hours. When I woke up in the late afternoon… still sad. My dad helped me downstairs to eat something and lengthen my leg. Once again, I had to hold back the tears. What a worthless day, what a worthless life. My old world and future world full of walks, dates, dinners, ease, shopping and trips just seemed too far away. Today my biggest accomplishment might be putting on my own socks… oh, and bonus points for getting my underwear up with no help. More tears.
I had moped so much of the day away that it became too late to do something I was looking forward to. One of my best friends had recently bought a house and a few people were going over to see it and have dinner. These were people who cared about me and invited me out of my everyday routine to do something different and get my mind off of things. I just couldn’t perk up in time, not to mention the fact that I had slept away my opportunity to shower and get ready. Back to bed, back to short leg land where everything’s a struggle and everyday’s the same.
By the time nearly 12 hours of the day had passed, I felt a twinge of change inside. What the heck is the matter with you? We prepared for this. We promised ourself we wouldn’t get like this. Tomorrow can not be like this.
I got up the strength to ask my mother to help me shower. I figured if tomorrow was to be better, I would need to start fresh and clean. I took a bath and went to bed and prayed for the strength to have a better day.
Sunday came. I woke up and got ready for church. I curled my hair and put on some makeup. I looked nice. We went to church and I interacted with people and I felt better. I wanted to go out to lunch afterward, but getting ready for church really took a lot out of me. Everything takes at least twice as long when you have a bum leg. So instead we ate lunch at home and I took a nap. But it was a restoring nap. I then did some leg exercises and after dinner my mom took me over to my friend Kacey’s to tour her new house. It looked great and I was happy to see her and to get up and around.
This weekend reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from the Narnia books:
“Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”
― C.S. Lewis
Maybe it was me coming off high doses of serious drugs, maybe it was my first full weekend at home after surgery, maybe it was just a bad day. I’m going through some stuff and I suppose it’s okay to have a long cry. But is that really how I want to spend my hours? The answer is no. Sometimes you just have to cry, but I really don’t want to waste whole days of my life – not even in this state. I’m going to try to do better and hopefully all my parties from here on out will have no pity, but hopefully friends, cake and maybe some ice cream!
Today is a milestone, because I believe we’ve reached a half inch of length today! That’s 12.5 millimeters and means we are almost 1/4 of the way there since I need a little more than 2 inches.
I feel like I’ve talked a lot about my mom in this blog, so I just wanted to make sure my dad gets his fair share of love, too. This is us in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor just a few days before we came back to Pittsburgh. He has been just wonderful. Before he leaves for work everyday, he brings me cereal and coffee in bed. He puts my dog out every morning and cleans up her messes when she goes in the house. Both my parents have been such a blessing and this life change would not be possible without them!